


Introspection

by aluinihi



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Oblivious Roy, Panic Attacks, Pre-Relationship, Self-Hatred, bc why not, i guess, make out sessions, maybe in the future they'll be together, not so oblivious ed, very perceiving alphonse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 18:01:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16023089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aluinihi/pseuds/aluinihi
Summary: He enjoyed dating, of course, spending a few hours with a woman was not something anyone on their right mind would refuse, but he would never allow it to turn into days. Roy definitely would never allow someone to disrupt his sacred comfort zone of silence and introspection.





	Introspection

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly, English is not my native language and, although I try to do my best, some mistakes are bound to happen. Please, warn me!
> 
> Secondly, I hope you enjoy the reading :)

Roy Mustang thought that he was lonely.

Maybe not lonely as in _alone_ – that would be a lie even, there were many people who supported him – but as in _preferring to not have company_. He enjoyed dating, of course, spending a few hours with a woman was not something anyone on their right mind would refuse, but he would never allow it to turn into days. Roy definitely would never allow someone to disrupt his sacred comfort zone of silence and introspection.

He liked to think that it was because he was enough for himself, that another human body around would be excessive. Other times, he justified it with accusations of egotism and arrogance, as if people were _a waste of time and intellect_ due to most being either idiotic or nagging ass-kissers. The truth, however, was that Roy had no answer as to why he went so far to the point of despising being around another person. That was how he felt though, and doesn’t matter how hard he had tried to, he couldn’t change it.

So why _in the name of God_ was he so interested in being around _Edward Elric?_

Roy couldn’t quite tell when their relationship had begun to change, when his perception of the boy had begun to change. It was almost like a bucket of cold water when he realized he had been staring at the empty sofa in his office and missing flashes of golden rage and expansive posture. He caught himself once wondering, marveled with the blonde’s intensity, if there was a moment in Edward’s day that was spent in the quiet and if the boy could enjoy it. He wondered if Edward liked to be alone from time to time, or if being with Alphonse was as comfortable as being by oneself, and what would he do to tune out the world and other people’s expectations. Did Edward ever try to tune out his own expectations?

Roy wasn’t surprised though when he realized he wanted to spend time with the boy. It was only a natural development; the invading curiosity was begging to be answered exactly as it must happen with all scientists. Edward was giving a report and Roy was not listening but thinking _I want you by my side_ and for some unknown reason the thought did not worry him as much as it should.

_Some books arrived at my place by mail today,_ he had blurted out, _If you and Alphonse would like to check them out_

The sixteen-years-old whispered a “what the fuck” but took the piece of paper with the scribbled address anyway.

The brothers really did come that night, and after feeding Ed a whole bag of steak take-out, Roy almost felt satisfied. The two read most of the new articles before the colonel decided to move them to the library, where Alphonse let out an impressed gasp that shouldn’t have been possible to a body made of steel. The man smirked at the small blonde, who tried very hard to conceal his enthusiasm at Roy’s collection.

_Thought you couldn’t fucking read with the amount of paperwork you skip, Colonel Shit_

With that, the routine became: the brothers would come over from time to time, and Roy would try to placate Ed’s temper with food before leaving them be. He would hang around them though, resting on the couch with his own reading while shooting a few glances at the young State Alchemist sitting on the floor. Surrounded by books, Edward looked like the most peaceful creature in existence. He’d frown and cock his head to the side at a few moments, as if disagreeing with a silly old friend, and sometimes he would scan over the same part repeatedly. Roy wondered why, but never felt like asking. Alphonse, on the other hand, seemed much more distracted by the older man’s presence; he had lost count of how many times he stared into surprisingly expressive holes, shining with amusement as if the boy understood something that Roy hadn’t yet. Then there was a night Alphonse let out a laugh, loud enough to pull Ed out of his focus and long enough to make Roy wary.

After that, Edward started showing up alone.

_Al said it’s better if we compare results later, it saves time,_ justified the blonde _._

And Roy started sitting on the floor.

They never did small talk and it took them three weeks to actually exchange a significant number of words. Edward abruptly stood up, as if being suddenly throw in midst of battle, and asked Roy if he wanted him to leave. The boy looked annoyed, though Roy couldn’t tell why. He didn’t lie, there was no need to: _stay as much as you’d like_. Edward narrowed his eyes and slowly sank back to the ground, like an animal observing a potential threat.

The next day, the boy brought food himself, a bit more than the portion recommended for two. They sat on the small kitchen table, in a silence that seemed to comfort only the older; Edward kept looking around and bouncing his legs, alert and ready to bolt. Roy was used to aggressiveness, but this being showing clear signs of anxiety was something entirely new.

“You are quite off today, Fullmetal.”

The blonde stared at Roy wide-eyed. _“What?_ ”

“You seem disturbed, is something bothering you?”

_Is it me?_ Roy’s meal was way less appealing, so the man pushed the plate aside in order to put his elbows on the table and rest his chin over his crossed fingers.

“Why’d you think that?” Annoyance replaced nervousness and with that Roy knew how to deal. “I’m _fucking great_ , thank you.”

Roy shrugged and collected their dishes to place them in the sink, making the empty promise to wash them later. Afterward, he ushered the boy to the library. This time, he invited Ed to the couch; the blonde refused and took his spot on the floor. Roy couldn’t even begin to understand why someone would abdicate soft cushions, but it was another Ed-like thing the man never felt like asking about. Sometimes things just are, and Edward Elric was a master of irrevocably and awkwardly just _being_.

The book Roy was reading was boring. Not all academic readings are actually instructive; some of them are just a bunch of fancy words pinned together by a mind whose brilliance is questionable. The strenuous chapters left the man yawning, heavy eyelids and slow breathing…

               

_Sand, sand, endless sand. He breathed; it filled his nostrils, mouth, and lungs. His blood, it ran down his veins scratching like sand. He reached out to touch it, to run his fingers over the ground and feel the itch against his palms, but his body was no longer his to control._

_He couldn’t move, but he could see. A white-haired face, solemn and tired, came to his vision. There was red. So much red. The dirty desert water, the eyes, the flames. The city bled as it crumbled; centuries of building blocks being brought down by a snap of fingers. His insides were twisting and turning, out of fear or adrenaline, he couldn’t really tell._

_‘Mustang!’_

_He turned to the voice, to the pale body who called out for him. Spiked hair, wide smile and green eyes opaque and dry._

_“We’re so young, aren’t we?”_

_Then there was more red; blood spilling from the hole on the man’s chest, staining the blue uniform._

_‘Mustang!’_

_Maes was still smiling, smiling, smiling…_

 

Roy fell off the couch gracelessly, gasping for air. There is sand _inside of him_ and he coughed, trying to get it out, and chocked on his own breath. The floor felt abnormally cold for the desert, _Roy_ was abnormally cold for the desert, but he was sweating as he’d just ran a marathon under scalding sun. He pulled his knees tight against his chest, wishing his heart would just _stop_ _stop stop—_

“Roy…?”

A hand came to rest on his shoulder and he wasn’t going to open his eyes and the voice was _nice_ although Roy couldn’t remember to whom it belonged to. He wanted to slump against that throaty yet soothing sound, wanted to keep hearing it until it overcame the sound of falling buildings and gunshots.

“I didn’t want to wake you up but you were—Must— _Roy_ , shit, _I’m sorry,_ please, look at me.”

Roy took a deep breath that sounded way more like twenty very short inspirations, his lower lip quivered and he wanted to scratch his hands because they _itched like hell_. A warm palm cupped his right cheek and then there was a cold one to the left and he needed to calm d—

“Hey, asshole, open your eyes, okay? It’s Ed, Edward Elric, c’mon, just breathe with me.”

_Ed Ed Ed…_ he knows an Ed, he knows an Elric; or better yet two. He knows golden eyes and blond hair and wicked grins. The voice—the _person_ was counting, alternating numbers with inspire and expire, and Roy found himself answering. Maybe his heart could keep on beating, after all, maybe he could open his eyes…

“You’re doing great, Roy, just  _keep going_ , it’s alright; you’re safe.”

He opened his eyes and the Ed was so close. Molten gold stared into him, brows furrowed in an expression Roy had never seen before in those tenacious features: worry. His hands were shaking, but he wanted to reach out and smooth away the creases on that forehead. He wanted to curl against the body in front of him and let this individual command his breath into normalcy.

“You’re at home, in Central city, remember?” The warm thumb on his face started making slow circular movements and now Roy could see the shelves illuminated by a yellowish light from the corner of the room. “We were reading some books and you fell asleep, you lazy ass.”

His cheeks were _wet_ , with sweat or—

“Fuck, Mustang, please don’t cry, _shit shit shit…_ ”

Some part of his mind told him he shouldn’t, but he threw himself into the hold of the person before him. Arms circled his shoulders and for the first time ever he felt good while being comforted by someone else. Panic attacks right after waking up were gladly dealt with alone, Roy was never one to desire company in these specifics moments. Or maybe in all of his moments. But he wanted this, yes; he wanted that fingers delicately combing through his hair and the smell of engine oil and coconut shampoo, he wanted the soothing _hums_ and whispered nothings.

But he couldn’t want it and as soon as the realization hit, he jumped out of the embrace and ran out of the room.

He went to the kitchen; what for, he wasn’t sure. Edward came stomping right behind, screaming _Bastard_ and other insults that did not feel quite like insults anymore. Was Roy really that stupid? He’d prized himself for years on his abilities to read other’s emotions, how could he make a mistake like that? How could he overlook his _own emotions_? His legs still trembled from the aftermath of the panic and he wiped his tears frantically with the backs of his hands. Ed appeared a few seconds later and leaned against the door frame, frown still intact.

“What the fuck _was that?_ ”

A shiver went down Roy’s spine.

“Mustang, you okay?”

Oh, no, he was anything _but okay_. He was shaking all over, he was out of breath, he was a monster and now a _fucking child molester,_ luring Ed into his company with the promise books and take-out meals. He was crumbling, crumbling, crumbling just like the buildings he made crumble.

“Roy,” And there was his name again, the doomed one syllable Ed never dared to pronounce before and _why_. “Is there anything I can do?”

_Come over here. Hold me. Tell me it’s alright. Do that thing with your thumb on my cheek again._

“I think,” Roy’s voice was hoarse and breathless and could he get any more pathetic? “I think you should leave.”

“Why?”

_Because you’re so strong, so young and I need you so much right now._ “Why…?”

The boy cocked an eyebrow.

“You deaf now? I said why’d you want me to leave?”

“And why does it matter?”

Ed took a few steps into the room and Roy wanted to shrink into a quantic dimension.

“You were having a panic attack less than a minute ago, you bastard, I’m worried about you.” He was close now, less than a meter or so away; if Roy extended his arm, he would touch Edward’s shoulder without much effort. “You can’t expect me to leave like nothing happened.”

_Actually_ , _I can,_ he wanted to say, _this is my house and I can show you to the door whenever I please._ However, there was something stopping him. A comforting, unusual warmth creeping on his chest and expanding, making his whole body relax and his heart leap in joy.

“You care about me.”

“Did you hit your head when you fell off the couch?” Ed raised his hands as if exclaiming _duh?!_

Roy stared.

“Why?”

The boy dedicated a long and dramatic eye roll to the man standing in front of him. “We’re back to the ‘why’shit? Who knows, asshole, I just do; why’d you care about me, anyway? You in love with me or somethin’?”

It was said _oh so casually_ , dropped in the middle of a serious talk under the pretense of lightening the mood. Yet it made Roy tremble and his eyes widened like crazy and his sweat turned cold. Roy really liked to think of himself as a respectable man, but under that scrutinizing glare, he was a coward and a freak. It wasn’t a joke, it was a curse.

“How do you know?”

Edward blinked. Opened his mouth. Blushed. Closed his mouth. And looked down.

Roy half-expected a tantrum.

“Al told me.”

Laughter dared to escape his lips. “Of course he did.”

“I didn’t believe it.”

“Of course you didn’t.”

The boy shrugged. “Yeah, but I do now.”

There was a huge knot stuck on Roy’s throat so he swallowed. The room was so silent that he could almost hear his own heart thumping against its ribcage.

“That’s why you should leave.”

Golden eyes glared at Roy and he snarled: “This makes _no fucking sense_.”

The Flame Alchemist took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair, exasperated.

“Edward, what could you possibly want from me? Dinner with candles? A serenade? A public announcement of undying love? _Sex?_ ”

“Shut up _,_ you _bastard_.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, we have a fourteen years age gap and a professional relationship that is not very romance-friendly, so if you were expecting to be wooed into my b—”

“I said _shut up!_ ”

So Roy did.

“So you seriously think I would ever want you to treat me like one of your dates? And you think I have time for _romance_ , you _shit?_ I have Al’s body to get back and _my fucking limbs_ to fix, so fuck you!” Edward took the two remaining steps between them, pinning Roy down with just his wit. The blush lingered on the young face, intensifying with the anger and spreading to his ears. “I joined this fucking army when I was twelve and I wasn’t young _then,_ so why the fuck you treating me like a kid _now?_ Is this some kind of joke?”

“Edward, you know I can’t—”

“Yes, you can! You can do a lot of things, you bastard, and right now the least you could is to kiss me!”

So Roy did that too.

He threw an arm around the petite blonde and pulled him flush to his chest, locking their lips together. Surprisingly, Ed responded, moving along with teenage-like expertise and Roy’s heart ached at the thought of other kisses he might have shared and with whom. The man licked his way inside the boy’s mouth, their tongues pressing against each other, wet and aggressive and just hinting a fight for dominance. Roy’s hands slid down the strong back and Ed’s flesh one went to pull on the hair of his nape so Roy lowered his touch a _little bit_.

The young alchemist’s breath hitched and he let out a pleased noise that only encouraged the man further. Everything was happening too fast and wasn’t it expected because it was _Ed_ who he was kissing. It was _Ed’s moans_ he was hearing, _Ed’s gorgeous ass_ in his hands. Roy could feel a bulge on his thigh and _fuck_ , he wanted him so bad. Their lips disconnected and the blond went straight to Roy’s neck, biting and licking and sucking; Roy arched, subconsciously rubbing himself on the boy and gasping for oxygen.

He could haul him off the ground; the automail was heavy, sure, but Roy surely had it in him to carry Edward to the bedroom. He thought of throwing him on the bed, touching him without the cloth-barrier that separated. Roy could make it good for him, yes, he could. But he wouldn’t. He grabbed the boy by the upper arms and forced him to _let go_.

“There, you have you kiss. Now, leave.”

Ed smirked, lips red and tempting and he licked them as if threatening with _I’ll be back_.

The next morning, Alphonse’s holes-that-were-eyes had nothing for Roy but pity.

**Author's Note:**

> Ed totally uses coconut-based products on his hair :D
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://aluinihi.tumblr.com/)


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